Post by Aria Finn on Sept 28, 2007 22:22:17 GMT -5
Selected Pieces From The Diary of Aria Finn
February 19th, Mid Afternoon
Aria is: 17
Serafina is: Not Yet Born
I HATE being pregnant. God I look like a cow. It is horrible. And I'm fat, I am just terribly fat, on the brink of obesity it seems with this giant stomach. Bea told me it looked cute and that I should get some shirts and dresses that flattered the 'pregnant' look more. Why would I ever do that? Honestly she is just so insensitive, stupid 105 lbs person that she is. I am on nearly 125!!!!!! I have never weighed this much in my life, it is like I just gain weight from doing nothing. Oh God, oh God, I just hate it. And no one understands me at all. School is terrible, of course, because nothing in my life could possibly be simple.
Another thing about being pregnant and therefore being fat, I just can't stop eating. My sisters say it is probably both the eating for two thing, and the fact that I had to stop smoking and drinking cold turkey. GOD I WOULD KILL for a cigarette, and I know just the person...people to kill. HE did this to me, he's the one who got me pregnant. And she, well she is alive and that is reason enough for me to hate her. I had an appointment with my OBGYN on Thursday, Dr. Whitley. She is very nice, but a little too into my situation I think. He came with me, and Bea, who is in town until well, until I give birth I guess. She's staying with me until at least June. Hopefully longer though I don't know what I would do without her. Of course it would be just that much simpler if I could have gone to stay with her in London. But as we all know, He just wouldn't comply with that. Anyway once again Dr. Whitley asked if I wanted to know the gender. Before, I really couldn't care less, of course I love the baby, I think, and I have no preference, but I kind of really wanted to know. Its a boy. Well, 80% chance that is is a little baby boy. As long as he isn't anything like his father, I'll be fine.
I guess I need to start thinking names, Bea and I have been browsing books; my little baby is a he.
May 1st, Late Night
Aria is: 17
Serafina is: Almost Born
I think I may be going into labor. But I can't tell in which case I am just going to stay here until the last possible moment. Then Bea will call Him. We've decided on a name, Matthew Thomas Peters-Finn. It isn't my top choice, but there was no changing His mind. I'm only allowed to have one person in the delivery room with me, Bea said that I have to let Him in, and that she will wait outside. Fine, if it is really that necessary that the father be present.
May 2nd, Morning
Aria is: 17
Serafina is: A Few hours old
It wasn't a boy! He is a she, Dr. Whitley was nearly as surprised as we were. She is so lovely, all pale and pretty. Her eyes are blue, which is strange I must admit; and she has this pretty blond hair, tufts all over her tiny head. Such a sweet baby. Trent is holding her right now, he seems almost as happy as I am. Bea is in here too, taking about a million pictures. Oh, and the name, as we can't name her Matthew Trent, we decided on Serafina Elisabeth Peters-Finn. I think it is the most beautiful name in the world, the perfect name for the most beautiful baby in the world. She weighed 6 lbs 7 ounces and was 17 inches long. Perfect, she is perfect.
The nurse has just asked if I plan on breast-feeding. I do not want anything attached to my breast thank you very much. Serafina is just too pretty for words, I love her, I really do. With my entire heart, I love my little Serafina. I feel like I love everyone right now, even Trent. I mean, he is, after all, the father of my child. Bea is holding Fina and singing to her in French. It is a lullaby my mother used to sing to me, when she still knew who I was. I'm crying, and I don't know why. Am I too happy? Or is it something else? This won't last, will it? I would give anything to stay this way forever. Serafina's crying now, I think that means she wants me, I am her mother aren't I? These drugs are making me feel a little loopy.
May 6th, Afternoon
Aria is: 17
Serafina is: 4 days old
I'm home, and beyond depressed. I am alone. Serafina and Bea are here of course, but I just can't seem to do anything right. I must be a terrible mother, I shouldn't have been allowed to have children! Trent just left a few minutes ago, he was back again, visiting. I wonder how he will react when I tell him about Fina's name change, I didn't like Elisabeth, and the last name was just too long. Serafina Terpsichore Finn is much, much better. It flows, and he isn't any part of if.
November 9th, Afternoon
Aria is: 19
Serafina is: 2
I can not believe Him. Did He really ask if he could come stay with me? It isn't my fault His wife is a whore. Sleeping around like some kind of a slut. Which, by the way, is exactly what she called me. That is what everyone called me. But I didn't have a child who was not my husbands. Naughty Camilla. Why would He ever think I could stand living with him? Fina would just, it would be like we were a family and we are not. We are by no means a family, and I will do anything to show Him that. Another thing about Him maybe moving in with us, I think maybe I would start to think we were a family, maybe I would even fall in love with him again or something like that. And it would kill me, I can't go through that again. I have put too much effort into hating him. I hate Trent Peters, I hate Him, I swear on my life, I hate Him.
September 3rd, Late Morning
Aria is: 21
Serafina is: 4
Serafina's gone, she's with that man again. Her hair is back to blond now, the brown washed out after a month. Honestly I don't know why he got so upset about it. She looked sweet as a brunette, the blond is garish, horrifying. It makes her look like him. I swear every time I see her face, I can't help but see him. And I hate it, I hate it more than I can bare; at times, I almost wish...Never mind that, I don't wish anything. Mistakes are made in the past, there is nothing I could possibly do about this situation, there is nothing I could have done. At least, nothing I would have done. She doesn't understand that yet, Serafina is only four after all, and so I guess I shall just have to wait until she is older; she'll understand everything then. She'll realize what I gave up for her, and I pray she'll forget her father. Is it too much to ask really? That my child be mine, as I have told him numerous times, we didn't need him. But it didn't matter, he never listened, he'll never listen. His damned wife is there too, spreading her disgusting ways to my daughter, my baby, and that child of theirs too. They should all just disappear, leaving me and my Serafina alone. I'm sure Camilla would agree to that situation, don't you think?
The other day, I took Serafina with me to Saks, an older woman. Her hair was slightly graying, in between red and gray. She needed to get her roots done as well. Her hair was by no means, naturally red, and the grays were almost too numerous to bare. I would have said something to her, but I truly care about other people's feelings. So she can just sort it out with her colorist. Anyway, she came up to me and Serafina. That kind middle aged 'let me compliment your sweet little girl' kind of way. She asked me how old my sister was. I just blinked at her, and Serafina spoke for herself, "I'm four years old ma'am." She said sweetly. The woman smiled and walked away. My sister? I'm twenty-one. I may be short but I don't look like a child anymore. Is that what I have become? A teen mother, white trash? But I had my Serafina. It was worth it, I swear, it was worth it. I think about this too much, it seeps into my every waking thought, into my conversations, my dreams, even the people I speak to. It is everywhere.
After the Saks fandango, I just took Serafina home and let her play with whatever she could find. I found her an hour later with one of my Manolo Blanhiks and a pair of panty hose. She has real toys. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of toys, dolls and paint sets, and dress up. Why? Why does she insist on ruining my stuff? Is it necessary or her to play with mommy's things? I mean it isn't like we are poor or anything? In fact we are quite the opposite of poor, we are wealthy, and though I hate to sound snobby but it is true. I just don't see why Serafina doesn't understand the difference between a five hundred dollar shoe and a doll house? Her father probably instilled some sort of 'let's just pretend like your mother has no money and can't buy you anything nice' value in her. Stupid fuck.
Speaking of the man who shall remain unnamed, I do have a slight confession. He was in my dream last night. I'm sure it must have been brought on my excessive whiskey, not that I drink in excess but I just had perhaps one glass too many before bed. In this dream, which I think is perhaps the most horrible thing ever to happen to me in my entire life, even the Switzerland mishap, even getting pregnant in high school, even being disowned by my mother, can't compare to this. In fact, if anyone was to ever find out about this, Ty included, and I tell him everything, I would have to kill myself. So the dream was bizarrely real, and we were married, like a normal couple with a four year old daughter, and I was happy, he was happy, Fina was happy. That was it, there were no plot twists, nothing interesting happened. It was just the sickeningly sweet happiness of the situation, I couldn't stand it. I wouldn't be happy if I was married to him, and I know that. But I can't help but wonder why? Why the fuck did I dream that, more like a nightmare. A horrific nightmare in which my worst fears were realized. But what frightened me the most was how happy Fina seemed in this alternate world, much happier than she could ever be with just me or just him. No matter how nice our lives may be, a family is always better than a relationship like the one he and I have. Even I know that, and as much as I hate him, it would be better for Fina, wouldn't it?
Theodora called me early this morning, probably around five. She can never seem to remember the time difference between Paris and New York. She said she was just calling to chat, but I knew there was something else on her mind. I was too tired to press her though, and too shaken up about the stupid nightmare from the night before. I haven't been awake at five in the morning since Serafina started sleeping through the night, and I can tell you that I don't miss it at all. Thea talked at me for a while, rambling on about Bea and Vivian and how their lives were, but eventually her agenda came out. Our mother was in Paris. Visiting her family and Thea I guess, the reasons didn't come up. "Maman asked about you." I could barely respond, it has been over four years since she's spoken to me "And little Serafina, Maman asked about her as well." I asked her why, why on earth my mother would ask about me, "She was just being civil, but Aria, it is progress." Is it? Do I really want to talk to her? Do I want my mother to know about me, should I be sending my mother pictures of Fina from her birthday parties and her preschool school photo? Is that my duty as a daughter? To pretend that my mother cares, to slowly let my life bleed back into her's. After everything she's done to me, after everything she's said, should I forgive her?
My mind is frazzled today, the remnants of the past few days are making everything...difficult. Serafina is with him for another six days. His weeks always drag by, ever so slowly. I have little purpose without her. She is my life now, she's all I have.
May 2nd, Midnight
Aria is: 28
Serafina is: 11
Serafina turned eleven today. She's having a sleepover with some of her friends, Lilly Thames-Thomas, Penelope Hall, Rosalie Bingly, Juliette LeBlanc, and Frances Oliver. They are all sweet girls, except Juliette. She reminds me too much of my mother. And she once told me that I was nearly as pretty as Fina's other mother. The stupid bitch child. But she is only that, a child. Just a very stupid child, or one who likes to 'stir the pot' as someone at least fifty years older than me would say. I was only at the first part of the party for a while. It was at some ritzy hotel, there are too many of them now, and he picked it out. It was fine, if not almost a little overdone.
Fina didn't speak to me the entire night, it has been like this for months, a few scattered words every once in a while, but usually. Nothing. I don't understand it, why won't she even look at me? What did I do?
March 14th, Late Afternoon
Aria is: 31
Serafina is: 14
She dyed her hair PURPLE? That is it, I can not stand her fucking rebellious attitude. This has been going on for too long, way too long. She is grounded that is it. Serafina is going to that Christian girl's camp I read about. I am signing her up tomorrow.
I need some Gin, and a cigarette. On the bright side, I weight 100 lbs on the dot. That is down 2 lbs from last week, thin is in. thin is in. thin is in. thin is in. I am a little hungry though, maybe we have some celery in the refrigerator. Unless Serafina has decided to feed it to the homeless again. They don't want my $20 celery sticks, or my $150 face mask. And yet, every week without fail she brings the entire contents of my medicine cabinet and our pantry to some God forsaken shelter. The things I buy cost a lot of money; if she wants to help the poor, fine. But couldn't she just not take things that belong to me?
Vivian left exactly a week ago, I miss her like crazy. It is so hard to try and raise a 14 year old who barely speaks to you. Having Vivian here was nice, someone to talk to. Daddy came to visit while Vivvy was here, and we went out to dinner. Fina too, but she only talked to Dad and Vivian. That was fine, I missed the sound of her voice, it was nice to hear again. She is in her bathroom, I told her to wash the purple out, to scrub as hard as possible and if she couldn't get the fucking dye out then we woulds take her to go get it fixed. She screamed back at me, about how I was unfair, it was her life, I was ruining her life, how she loved her father so much more than me. I'd heard it all before. I can hear the shower running, and that God damned music she listens to is blaring, she's singing along. Fina can't sing to save her life.
I would tell her to shut up, but she wouldn't listen. She doesn't listen to me anymore. I now have my gin, and my cigarette. I should be happy, but I'm not. If she would just turn that music down, maybe I could concentrate, I could call her father and get him to pick her up. I can not stand this anymore. What did I do to her? What did I ever do to deserve this?
June 29th, Morning
Aria is: 35
Serafina is: 18
She hasn't even bothered to contact me.
I didn't expect it.
But it would have been nice.
She's 18 now.
And she really doesn't need me anymore.
(ooc: yes I did get carried away, and yes this is 3073 words long.)
February 19th, Mid Afternoon
Aria is: 17
Serafina is: Not Yet Born
I HATE being pregnant. God I look like a cow. It is horrible. And I'm fat, I am just terribly fat, on the brink of obesity it seems with this giant stomach. Bea told me it looked cute and that I should get some shirts and dresses that flattered the 'pregnant' look more. Why would I ever do that? Honestly she is just so insensitive, stupid 105 lbs person that she is. I am on nearly 125!!!!!! I have never weighed this much in my life, it is like I just gain weight from doing nothing. Oh God, oh God, I just hate it. And no one understands me at all. School is terrible, of course, because nothing in my life could possibly be simple.
Another thing about being pregnant and therefore being fat, I just can't stop eating. My sisters say it is probably both the eating for two thing, and the fact that I had to stop smoking and drinking cold turkey. GOD I WOULD KILL for a cigarette, and I know just the person...people to kill. HE did this to me, he's the one who got me pregnant. And she, well she is alive and that is reason enough for me to hate her. I had an appointment with my OBGYN on Thursday, Dr. Whitley. She is very nice, but a little too into my situation I think. He came with me, and Bea, who is in town until well, until I give birth I guess. She's staying with me until at least June. Hopefully longer though I don't know what I would do without her. Of course it would be just that much simpler if I could have gone to stay with her in London. But as we all know, He just wouldn't comply with that. Anyway once again Dr. Whitley asked if I wanted to know the gender. Before, I really couldn't care less, of course I love the baby, I think, and I have no preference, but I kind of really wanted to know. Its a boy. Well, 80% chance that is is a little baby boy. As long as he isn't anything like his father, I'll be fine.
I guess I need to start thinking names, Bea and I have been browsing books; my little baby is a he.
May 1st, Late Night
Aria is: 17
Serafina is: Almost Born
I think I may be going into labor. But I can't tell in which case I am just going to stay here until the last possible moment. Then Bea will call Him. We've decided on a name, Matthew Thomas Peters-Finn. It isn't my top choice, but there was no changing His mind. I'm only allowed to have one person in the delivery room with me, Bea said that I have to let Him in, and that she will wait outside. Fine, if it is really that necessary that the father be present.
May 2nd, Morning
Aria is: 17
Serafina is: A Few hours old
It wasn't a boy! He is a she, Dr. Whitley was nearly as surprised as we were. She is so lovely, all pale and pretty. Her eyes are blue, which is strange I must admit; and she has this pretty blond hair, tufts all over her tiny head. Such a sweet baby. Trent is holding her right now, he seems almost as happy as I am. Bea is in here too, taking about a million pictures. Oh, and the name, as we can't name her Matthew Trent, we decided on Serafina Elisabeth Peters-Finn. I think it is the most beautiful name in the world, the perfect name for the most beautiful baby in the world. She weighed 6 lbs 7 ounces and was 17 inches long. Perfect, she is perfect.
The nurse has just asked if I plan on breast-feeding. I do not want anything attached to my breast thank you very much. Serafina is just too pretty for words, I love her, I really do. With my entire heart, I love my little Serafina. I feel like I love everyone right now, even Trent. I mean, he is, after all, the father of my child. Bea is holding Fina and singing to her in French. It is a lullaby my mother used to sing to me, when she still knew who I was. I'm crying, and I don't know why. Am I too happy? Or is it something else? This won't last, will it? I would give anything to stay this way forever. Serafina's crying now, I think that means she wants me, I am her mother aren't I? These drugs are making me feel a little loopy.
May 6th, Afternoon
Aria is: 17
Serafina is: 4 days old
I'm home, and beyond depressed. I am alone. Serafina and Bea are here of course, but I just can't seem to do anything right. I must be a terrible mother, I shouldn't have been allowed to have children! Trent just left a few minutes ago, he was back again, visiting. I wonder how he will react when I tell him about Fina's name change, I didn't like Elisabeth, and the last name was just too long. Serafina Terpsichore Finn is much, much better. It flows, and he isn't any part of if.
November 9th, Afternoon
Aria is: 19
Serafina is: 2
I can not believe Him. Did He really ask if he could come stay with me? It isn't my fault His wife is a whore. Sleeping around like some kind of a slut. Which, by the way, is exactly what she called me. That is what everyone called me. But I didn't have a child who was not my husbands. Naughty Camilla. Why would He ever think I could stand living with him? Fina would just, it would be like we were a family and we are not. We are by no means a family, and I will do anything to show Him that. Another thing about Him maybe moving in with us, I think maybe I would start to think we were a family, maybe I would even fall in love with him again or something like that. And it would kill me, I can't go through that again. I have put too much effort into hating him. I hate Trent Peters, I hate Him, I swear on my life, I hate Him.
September 3rd, Late Morning
Aria is: 21
Serafina is: 4
Serafina's gone, she's with that man again. Her hair is back to blond now, the brown washed out after a month. Honestly I don't know why he got so upset about it. She looked sweet as a brunette, the blond is garish, horrifying. It makes her look like him. I swear every time I see her face, I can't help but see him. And I hate it, I hate it more than I can bare; at times, I almost wish...Never mind that, I don't wish anything. Mistakes are made in the past, there is nothing I could possibly do about this situation, there is nothing I could have done. At least, nothing I would have done. She doesn't understand that yet, Serafina is only four after all, and so I guess I shall just have to wait until she is older; she'll understand everything then. She'll realize what I gave up for her, and I pray she'll forget her father. Is it too much to ask really? That my child be mine, as I have told him numerous times, we didn't need him. But it didn't matter, he never listened, he'll never listen. His damned wife is there too, spreading her disgusting ways to my daughter, my baby, and that child of theirs too. They should all just disappear, leaving me and my Serafina alone. I'm sure Camilla would agree to that situation, don't you think?
The other day, I took Serafina with me to Saks, an older woman. Her hair was slightly graying, in between red and gray. She needed to get her roots done as well. Her hair was by no means, naturally red, and the grays were almost too numerous to bare. I would have said something to her, but I truly care about other people's feelings. So she can just sort it out with her colorist. Anyway, she came up to me and Serafina. That kind middle aged 'let me compliment your sweet little girl' kind of way. She asked me how old my sister was. I just blinked at her, and Serafina spoke for herself, "I'm four years old ma'am." She said sweetly. The woman smiled and walked away. My sister? I'm twenty-one. I may be short but I don't look like a child anymore. Is that what I have become? A teen mother, white trash? But I had my Serafina. It was worth it, I swear, it was worth it. I think about this too much, it seeps into my every waking thought, into my conversations, my dreams, even the people I speak to. It is everywhere.
After the Saks fandango, I just took Serafina home and let her play with whatever she could find. I found her an hour later with one of my Manolo Blanhiks and a pair of panty hose. She has real toys. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of toys, dolls and paint sets, and dress up. Why? Why does she insist on ruining my stuff? Is it necessary or her to play with mommy's things? I mean it isn't like we are poor or anything? In fact we are quite the opposite of poor, we are wealthy, and though I hate to sound snobby but it is true. I just don't see why Serafina doesn't understand the difference between a five hundred dollar shoe and a doll house? Her father probably instilled some sort of 'let's just pretend like your mother has no money and can't buy you anything nice' value in her. Stupid fuck.
Speaking of the man who shall remain unnamed, I do have a slight confession. He was in my dream last night. I'm sure it must have been brought on my excessive whiskey, not that I drink in excess but I just had perhaps one glass too many before bed. In this dream, which I think is perhaps the most horrible thing ever to happen to me in my entire life, even the Switzerland mishap, even getting pregnant in high school, even being disowned by my mother, can't compare to this. In fact, if anyone was to ever find out about this, Ty included, and I tell him everything, I would have to kill myself. So the dream was bizarrely real, and we were married, like a normal couple with a four year old daughter, and I was happy, he was happy, Fina was happy. That was it, there were no plot twists, nothing interesting happened. It was just the sickeningly sweet happiness of the situation, I couldn't stand it. I wouldn't be happy if I was married to him, and I know that. But I can't help but wonder why? Why the fuck did I dream that, more like a nightmare. A horrific nightmare in which my worst fears were realized. But what frightened me the most was how happy Fina seemed in this alternate world, much happier than she could ever be with just me or just him. No matter how nice our lives may be, a family is always better than a relationship like the one he and I have. Even I know that, and as much as I hate him, it would be better for Fina, wouldn't it?
Theodora called me early this morning, probably around five. She can never seem to remember the time difference between Paris and New York. She said she was just calling to chat, but I knew there was something else on her mind. I was too tired to press her though, and too shaken up about the stupid nightmare from the night before. I haven't been awake at five in the morning since Serafina started sleeping through the night, and I can tell you that I don't miss it at all. Thea talked at me for a while, rambling on about Bea and Vivian and how their lives were, but eventually her agenda came out. Our mother was in Paris. Visiting her family and Thea I guess, the reasons didn't come up. "Maman asked about you." I could barely respond, it has been over four years since she's spoken to me "And little Serafina, Maman asked about her as well." I asked her why, why on earth my mother would ask about me, "She was just being civil, but Aria, it is progress." Is it? Do I really want to talk to her? Do I want my mother to know about me, should I be sending my mother pictures of Fina from her birthday parties and her preschool school photo? Is that my duty as a daughter? To pretend that my mother cares, to slowly let my life bleed back into her's. After everything she's done to me, after everything she's said, should I forgive her?
My mind is frazzled today, the remnants of the past few days are making everything...difficult. Serafina is with him for another six days. His weeks always drag by, ever so slowly. I have little purpose without her. She is my life now, she's all I have.
May 2nd, Midnight
Aria is: 28
Serafina is: 11
Serafina turned eleven today. She's having a sleepover with some of her friends, Lilly Thames-Thomas, Penelope Hall, Rosalie Bingly, Juliette LeBlanc, and Frances Oliver. They are all sweet girls, except Juliette. She reminds me too much of my mother. And she once told me that I was nearly as pretty as Fina's other mother. The stupid bitch child. But she is only that, a child. Just a very stupid child, or one who likes to 'stir the pot' as someone at least fifty years older than me would say. I was only at the first part of the party for a while. It was at some ritzy hotel, there are too many of them now, and he picked it out. It was fine, if not almost a little overdone.
Fina didn't speak to me the entire night, it has been like this for months, a few scattered words every once in a while, but usually. Nothing. I don't understand it, why won't she even look at me? What did I do?
March 14th, Late Afternoon
Aria is: 31
Serafina is: 14
She dyed her hair PURPLE? That is it, I can not stand her fucking rebellious attitude. This has been going on for too long, way too long. She is grounded that is it. Serafina is going to that Christian girl's camp I read about. I am signing her up tomorrow.
I need some Gin, and a cigarette. On the bright side, I weight 100 lbs on the dot. That is down 2 lbs from last week, thin is in. thin is in. thin is in. thin is in. I am a little hungry though, maybe we have some celery in the refrigerator. Unless Serafina has decided to feed it to the homeless again. They don't want my $20 celery sticks, or my $150 face mask. And yet, every week without fail she brings the entire contents of my medicine cabinet and our pantry to some God forsaken shelter. The things I buy cost a lot of money; if she wants to help the poor, fine. But couldn't she just not take things that belong to me?
Vivian left exactly a week ago, I miss her like crazy. It is so hard to try and raise a 14 year old who barely speaks to you. Having Vivian here was nice, someone to talk to. Daddy came to visit while Vivvy was here, and we went out to dinner. Fina too, but she only talked to Dad and Vivian. That was fine, I missed the sound of her voice, it was nice to hear again. She is in her bathroom, I told her to wash the purple out, to scrub as hard as possible and if she couldn't get the fucking dye out then we woulds take her to go get it fixed. She screamed back at me, about how I was unfair, it was her life, I was ruining her life, how she loved her father so much more than me. I'd heard it all before. I can hear the shower running, and that God damned music she listens to is blaring, she's singing along. Fina can't sing to save her life.
I would tell her to shut up, but she wouldn't listen. She doesn't listen to me anymore. I now have my gin, and my cigarette. I should be happy, but I'm not. If she would just turn that music down, maybe I could concentrate, I could call her father and get him to pick her up. I can not stand this anymore. What did I do to her? What did I ever do to deserve this?
June 29th, Morning
Aria is: 35
Serafina is: 18
She hasn't even bothered to contact me.
I didn't expect it.
But it would have been nice.
She's 18 now.
And she really doesn't need me anymore.
(ooc: yes I did get carried away, and yes this is 3073 words long.)